(Disclaimer: The following information is for educational purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice.)
We’ve all done it. Gotten close to achieving a long-sought-after goal only to then shoot ourselves in the foot. Going on a diet only to binge on a whole box of Oreo cookies. Or so close to putting the final touches on a home project only to find another new project to start. Or putting off until tomorrow what could be done today. Sound familiar? Well, having done some of these myself, I was compelled to investigate this self-defeating behavior and unravel its root causes.
Before I delve into the science of self-sabotage, I want to share an interesting thing about me that some of you may not know. I was the youngest of four children, raised by two German immigrants. Interestingly, my father was a psychiatrist and my mother, a psychologist. One could say I have the brain’s psyche and neuronal grid embedded in my DNA.
From doing research on this topic, I found that self-sabotage is not a simple act, but a complex process which pits us against our own thoughts and impulses. It’s repeating unhealthy behavior time after time, eventually becoming a habit. Makes me think about the definition of “insanity”: Repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different result!
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
1. Fear of change
Our brains are wired to be aware of danger. It’s a survival instinct. If we think of the worst-case scenario we can prepare ourselves to best survive the outcome. Because of this wiring, we like to stay consistent and not accept change very readily. In psychology terms this is called, “cognitive dissonance” – when our actions don’t line up with our ingrained beliefs or values, we get uncomfortable and try to revert back to our original beliefs. It’s too scary to venture to new heights because they are foreign to us. We rely on the safety of the status quo and therein lies the problem.
2. Low self-worth / Low self-esteem
As children, we heard from our parents, teachers and many others, stories about negative self-worth that don’t serve us. Unfortunately, we have imprinted these into our brains and replay them every day. Some examples:
- You don’t deserve to be happy.
- Who are you to think that you can make a lot of money.
- Do you really deserve that vacation? Other people are still working hard and you’re going to take time off?
I’m sure that you could add your own list. Because we feel that we aren’t good enough and lacking in some way, our sense of inadequacy continues to escalate over the years, casting doubt on even our smallest dreams.
3. Need for control
If we can control our own failure rather than letting someone/something blindside us, we feel less uncomfortable. As the captains of the ship, if we hit an iceberg and sink, at least we were at the helm. Self-sabotage is a way to feel in control when you may feel like you’re spinning out of control.
4. Feeling like a fraud
Psychologists have a name for this one, known as the Imposter Syndrome. We think we are fooling people with our level of education, work responsibilities and rising up the social rankings. I vividly remember having this fraudulent experience during my fourth year of medical school. In the springtime of the fourth year, all medical students find out where they have “matched.” This is the program where you will do your internship and residency training